I am back to work on tuesday. Only one day of MC, which is not enough for me. I dragged myself to work. Though, i woke up earlier than before, but i am still late for my work. haa. Getting more busy in the early morning to prepare myself for work. Mind you, it's not the make-up. I only dolled myself up when i have something on. LOL.
Well, but i took longer this morning cuz of the need to see a company for interview in the evening. It's so-called a famous Japanese Advertising agency in Singapore. The position, Account executive, liaising with clients, coordinating, doing marketing campaigns etc. Sounds interesting eh? And similar to my first job? I do find it exciting thus plus the strong desire to leave my current company, i want to perform well for the interview.
Perhaps, God was alread telling me that it would be wasting my time, cause it started raining in the evening. haa. I had to walked in the drizzle in order to reach the office. From Bugis over to Liang Seah street. And ... the interview was a gonner. Cuz, apparently, i am over-qualified for the job. What the hiring Manager wanted is someone to do co-odinating and he dun need a Uni grad or pay 2.2 k for such a position. Argh. Well, i already knew that it was a failure the moment he see my current pay. Well, still .. i smiled and answered his non-related questions. But, he was nice to remind me not to give others my photocopied ID unless the appointment is offered. Who knows where the ID could land into. Well, it has been a long while since i go for interview. Well, just hope i get my dream job soon.
The interview lasted me half an hour and i text quite couple of friends to meet for dinner. ET (flew my kite =p) , Xin, K*, Lala, Jeff, Aug* ... All are too busy and not able to make it since too last minute. haa. I just wanted to stay out abit ... i am just feeling depressed ... Lucky, Fang mei is free to meet me. I didn't leave you to the last option ok! I tot you were still working in the extreme west. haa! Well, she was supposed to go ktv with 2 young boys and ask me to go along. Well, i am not that shy afterall and Fang is always fun to be with. I haven see her for donkey years, thus i joined her. And it was good. 4 J's KTV session at Shenton Party World. Well, we catched up abit when her friends sang. It was a good session cuz i feeling down as usual. And she scolded me for that. haa. ok, i will try to cheer up. You too! And it's good to know that she has a good promising career now. And ... i can't stop myself for being envy. Haiz. I am 27 this yr ... And i do feel useless. haa .. Well .. i wonder when my future may come to light.
I hope ... the wait's worth it.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
MiSsing Another Friend
K's leaving for Hong Kong this morning. It was a pity that we didn't get to meet before her trip. Well, her schedule's too tied up. And her horrible boss only released her for last day last sat. Poor her.. She got a few manuals and VCDS to run through before her trip. She sounded stressed when i call her last sat and yesterday too. She's leaving SG to HK training for a tentative period of about 2 months. Hopefully by September, she will be back. As promised, we are going to celebrate her birthday then.
Life is such a joke at times. We were still talking about it then. Before her brokeup with Mr W, she was still searching for a job in vain to be stationed in HK. But, it just seems so hard then. Both Mr W and herself gotta fly to SG or HK now and then. Well, thats e only way to keep a relationship then. However, now after their incident; she found a job. Somemore, it was a job that requires her to fly rather often to HK. Well, perhaps her fate's over therE? who knows...
But neverthless, it's good to see her looking more happier nowadays. She's seems stronger. I know deep inside, there's sadness. But i believed, the fall has make her even tougher now. We are very much alike in certain personalities. We both waited for our so-called "perfect man" or "fated person", however, they didn't turn out to be so perfect afterall. Because of our stubborness, we refused to give in at times and perhaps end up at our losing end. Our pride seems more important than anything then. However, when we have decided to take a step forward, everything just seems so late then. Well, but if we look in another light, perhaps we are right afterall. If a relationship is meant to be yours, it's yours. If it cannot withstand the obstacles within and ended in vain, we just have to pick ourself up after the sadness and be stronger.
I will be missing you, my friend. Do take care of yourself. Be strong, and I know you can do it!
Life is such a joke at times. We were still talking about it then. Before her brokeup with Mr W, she was still searching for a job in vain to be stationed in HK. But, it just seems so hard then. Both Mr W and herself gotta fly to SG or HK now and then. Well, thats e only way to keep a relationship then. However, now after their incident; she found a job. Somemore, it was a job that requires her to fly rather often to HK. Well, perhaps her fate's over therE? who knows...
But neverthless, it's good to see her looking more happier nowadays. She's seems stronger. I know deep inside, there's sadness. But i believed, the fall has make her even tougher now. We are very much alike in certain personalities. We both waited for our so-called "perfect man" or "fated person", however, they didn't turn out to be so perfect afterall. Because of our stubborness, we refused to give in at times and perhaps end up at our losing end. Our pride seems more important than anything then. However, when we have decided to take a step forward, everything just seems so late then. Well, but if we look in another light, perhaps we are right afterall. If a relationship is meant to be yours, it's yours. If it cannot withstand the obstacles within and ended in vain, we just have to pick ourself up after the sadness and be stronger.
I will be missing you, my friend. Do take care of yourself. Be strong, and I know you can do it!
a Heaty day
I've been feeling really heaty these days. I terribly dread the weather ... It's always so hot and really causing me alot of dizziness with all these heat.
Just last Sunday, I went over to JB for a wedding lunch. Coincidentally, I met someone I knew. Carelyn! She happen to be the cousin of the bride; and the bridesgroom is my long distant relative. The world's really small. I reached home around 6+, and the pain has barely started abit. I fell asleep on my bed even before bathing.
The pain starts when I woke up. At first, I thought it was just the usual headache. Thus, I popped 2 panadols in my mouth. But it didn't help. The pain behind my head was killing me. Soon after, I started vomiting!. I vomit like a waterfall sia! Really at least 4-5 times at home. I feel terrible, thus asked my dad to send me to the doc.
The stupid doc asked, " Do you like to drink?" i winked at my sister and shaked my head. And he stupidlly asked, "Do you smoke?" I shook my head again. Inside me, I was like cursing. What kind of questions are those. haha... But i know he meant something but i was just not being frank. LOL. Then he asked again, " When's the last time you had menses?" Sound very routine?
My sister was like" hey he suspect you to be pregnant sia!" yes, i knew. and i didn't have e strength to argue with her. when i got home, i was still vomiting. And because of the panadols i took earlier, i cannot take the medicine for migraine. Little did i know that, migraine could lead to vomiting. the pain just like killing me! it was only abt 2 hours later that i stopped the waterfall and i popped back into my bed.
it was a horrible experience. and i hate it. the vomit and pain. no words can describe how pain it was.
Just last Sunday, I went over to JB for a wedding lunch. Coincidentally, I met someone I knew. Carelyn! She happen to be the cousin of the bride; and the bridesgroom is my long distant relative. The world's really small. I reached home around 6+, and the pain has barely started abit. I fell asleep on my bed even before bathing.
The pain starts when I woke up. At first, I thought it was just the usual headache. Thus, I popped 2 panadols in my mouth. But it didn't help. The pain behind my head was killing me. Soon after, I started vomiting!. I vomit like a waterfall sia! Really at least 4-5 times at home. I feel terrible, thus asked my dad to send me to the doc.
The stupid doc asked, " Do you like to drink?" i winked at my sister and shaked my head. And he stupidlly asked, "Do you smoke?" I shook my head again. Inside me, I was like cursing. What kind of questions are those. haha... But i know he meant something but i was just not being frank. LOL. Then he asked again, " When's the last time you had menses?" Sound very routine?
My sister was like" hey he suspect you to be pregnant sia!" yes, i knew. and i didn't have e strength to argue with her. when i got home, i was still vomiting. And because of the panadols i took earlier, i cannot take the medicine for migraine. Little did i know that, migraine could lead to vomiting. the pain just like killing me! it was only abt 2 hours later that i stopped the waterfall and i popped back into my bed.
it was a horrible experience. and i hate it. the vomit and pain. no words can describe how pain it was.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
oh ... i dread ....
I beginning to dread each day … there’s no focus … I feel like quitting my current job… There is really no prospect here and I am bored working here. And when I am bored, my mind tends to wonder around. I hate it when this happens. I am like wasting my time. I rather be real busy. Even there’s a good bonus here. I dun see where I will be in next 3 years doing the same things here. I will be really wasting my time in university. And of course … the money for the course. Haiz. I wish I can get what I want for my career. But … actually … I also dun know what I want. Argh … someone … save me … I know for sure, I would not want to be insurance broker, or administrative auntie. Haiz.
I am beginning to hate myself for what I am today. I am really a fucked up person …
hated by many many people ... for my many mistakes ... for my ridiculous remarks ... my childish thoughts .... for my immaturity ... my arrogant personality ...
I am beginning to hate myself for what I am today. I am really a fucked up person …
hated by many many people ... for my many mistakes ... for my ridiculous remarks ... my childish thoughts .... for my immaturity ... my arrogant personality ...
Monday, May 19, 2008
BruiSes After Flying ...
It was an unlucky day for me last Sunday. I fell off from my bicycle and sort of flew out of my bicycle. I was praying at Pulau Ubin and decided to go for a ride during the evening. I got a fright actually. Stunned for moments. Till now, I still do not understand how come I can fall so badly. It was a slope, rather gentle one. I guessed; I just lost control of the bicycle. It happened too quickly for me. I didn’t even screamed or shout. Haha. In split seconds, I flew out of my bicycle and landed on the path. Within seconds, the wheel of the bicycle hit me on my head. A minor concussion. LOL.
My siblings were laughing like mad when they saw my pain. Well … haha … But in fact, I was lucky that I didn’t hit something even harder, otherwise I would not be here writing my blog already. e
Look at the bruises. I am amazed too. The fall even cause a tear in my shorts. Now, I feel pain whenever I touched my left side of my head. The bruises on my thigh pain too. Haiz . Well… it was unlucky for me. Well, just be careful when you guys cycle.
P/S: I send my deepest sympathy to those who died in the earthquake in Sichuan….
My siblings were laughing like mad when they saw my pain. Well … haha … But in fact, I was lucky that I didn’t hit something even harder, otherwise I would not be here writing my blog already. e
Look at the bruises. I am amazed too. The fall even cause a tear in my shorts. Now, I feel pain whenever I touched my left side of my head. The bruises on my thigh pain too. Haiz . Well… it was unlucky for me. Well, just be careful when you guys cycle.
P/S: I send my deepest sympathy to those who died in the earthquake in Sichuan….
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Mental disorder
I have been feeling downright depressing these 2 weeks. Accumulative unhappiness I guess. For me, Monday is usually a whole new week for me. I was supposed to have a belated birthday celebration last Monday. It was cancelled due to a spark of quarrel between 2 of my buddies whom we have known each other for years. In the beginning, I was very patient, trying to sort out things between them. But things got out of hand, and I started to feel pissed. I was pissed, as I think that it was only a small thing after all. After that, I just escaped from them, ignoring their sms or email. I just wanna be alone, and I knew that I’ll be fine after cooling off. And I was looking forward to shopping with them on Thursday which was arranged before that. Who knows …I kena fly kite. Haiz … I was really disappointed and got irritated. First, I was looking forward to it and it was cancelled. And I actually apply my leave for that day. Thus, in the end, I have to cancel. Well, it was a “bo bian” situation as one of them’s grandma was in hospital. She has to take care of her. Well, it’s an unexpected scenario, and I have to forgive her. Well, I do. But, perhaps, it’s just me. Was looking so forward to a meetup together of shopping and lazing in the noon; but it was cancelled. I was terribly depressed after that. Argh …
Well, my depression does not come from this only … In fact I kena fly kite 3 times that week, and kinda got me pissed. I haven been in a good mood nowdays and I terribly lose my patience easily. Sorry. Haiz . And I wonder why … I suppose to meet Xin on Tuesday, and it was cancelled also. Well, 3 consecutive days of disappointment … argh .. just irritates me …
I guess … my patience got something to do with my not enough time and my family plus my no-challenge job. I always felt that my time is not enough to meet my friends, or even accompanying my family. I really do not understand why also. I cannot even finish my favourite dramas! Argh .. I feel useless. I feel like I not been trusted and not taken seriously. And I feel I been caged. Caged in a world where I have not much control!!!! I guess I only have myself to blame for all these … And I am suffering from this mental disorder on top of my financial problem. Haiz.
Thus, crying at night is unavoidable for me. And been crying for days. LOL… But, lucky enough…. I have not bite myself yet. A good sign.
Oh well, I need to escape sia … I need a break …
Well, my depression does not come from this only … In fact I kena fly kite 3 times that week, and kinda got me pissed. I haven been in a good mood nowdays and I terribly lose my patience easily. Sorry. Haiz . And I wonder why … I suppose to meet Xin on Tuesday, and it was cancelled also. Well, 3 consecutive days of disappointment … argh .. just irritates me …
I guess … my patience got something to do with my not enough time and my family plus my no-challenge job. I always felt that my time is not enough to meet my friends, or even accompanying my family. I really do not understand why also. I cannot even finish my favourite dramas! Argh .. I feel useless. I feel like I not been trusted and not taken seriously. And I feel I been caged. Caged in a world where I have not much control!!!! I guess I only have myself to blame for all these … And I am suffering from this mental disorder on top of my financial problem. Haiz.
Thus, crying at night is unavoidable for me. And been crying for days. LOL… But, lucky enough…. I have not bite myself yet. A good sign.
Oh well, I need to escape sia … I need a break …
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Angelic Devil ... Accumulated ... Thoughts ...
It has been donkey years since we last met (quoted by Xin). haa.. did we? The last time we met was September. Yes, my friends. I rem cuz i always have gd memories when it has something got to do with Xin, and I know you all knew it too. He was someone who gave me beautiful memories, sad stories, unforgettable hurt and unforgiveable regrets. Till now, I may have given up myself on him(or the other way round?aniwae, long ago he has gave me up), he is ... still an impact to me whenever we meet up, a chit chat on e phone or even sms. Though throughout the years, the impact's not that great but it is present somewhere and somehow. haha .. Well, in relationship or even after an end of relationship, the one who was once special WOULD definitely has his or her own way of influencing your mood. True? It is very true and dun need to deny, we all know it in our hearts.
Our dinner was a simple one. A very simple but cosy one i guess. We were both unwell and porridge was the best deal i guess. He suggested over at Bukit Timah cuz it was nearer to my place. It was a light dinner and i fulfilled my promise of treating back in ret of the dinner we had at Sunset way then. Today's meetup was pretty normal and I was feeling really ok after everything when he sent me back. Even despite knowing he's staying at his gf's hse, he changed his wallet (e old one was bought by me), his mobile's wallpaper was his gf. I am speaking the truth, no doubt about it. They are happy together and she seems the right girl for him. And i know i should feel happy for him, well i do ... but with a feeling of sadness also.
Well, it's not a feeling of me still loving him. The love has died down i guess. But looking at him now, with a good career for him, a feeling of maturity in him when he speaks ... i feel kinda sad. Sad at the fact that i lost a guy which seems so nice now. Sad that our relationship didn't work out in the end. oh well ... we have matured throughout the years and led our own life. My regrets of tarnishing my own relationship is the truth. Nothing can be done and there's no turning back. Sad ... but i guess i deserve it.
Just before the meetup, I was still thinking of our past together and my relationship with him. I was still debating whether I really love him or our relationship was sort of puppy love. Seriously speaking, wat i rem most about us together was in school, eating, movies, my waiting or cooping in his house. Are we just companion to each other or are we a couple? Seriously, I thought i knew him very well then ... but i dun ... I trusted and cling onto him but didn't realise trust was taken as advantage and clinging was a burden. And .. I ddin't know him that well afterall ... there were so many things which i didn't know about him and that hurts.
In fact, I use to compare quite often my relationship with Xin and Hellboy together. Was Hellboy really a relationship ? He met my family and we fight often. Very often . We hang out with our friends and both tried to work things out for each other . But back then, i doubt i did that much w Xin. haiz. But .. despite all these ... i wonder why ... i am always softhearted towards Xin. i just do. But neverthless ... luckily ... it is not so bad compare to the past. I doubt i will give in so much now.
Such a long post .. so many thoughts ... so many contridicting thoughts ... well ... a complicated me ... a simple me ... i named myself right .. can be a simple pure angel ... can be a atrocious devil too ... the Angelic Devil in Me ... Now, you guys know why i call myself that ? i was simple ... look likes i scarifice a lot in my relationship .. seems a nice angel ... but ... i tore the relationship apart ... with the devil in me ... the unspoken truth ... the unbelievable acts .. i have myself to blame for what i have for today.
Bottomline ... to be self responsible for all self acts ... not forgetting consequences on irrational actions. There's really no ROOM for ANY regrets.
Our dinner was a simple one. A very simple but cosy one i guess. We were both unwell and porridge was the best deal i guess. He suggested over at Bukit Timah cuz it was nearer to my place. It was a light dinner and i fulfilled my promise of treating back in ret of the dinner we had at Sunset way then. Today's meetup was pretty normal and I was feeling really ok after everything when he sent me back. Even despite knowing he's staying at his gf's hse, he changed his wallet (e old one was bought by me), his mobile's wallpaper was his gf. I am speaking the truth, no doubt about it. They are happy together and she seems the right girl for him. And i know i should feel happy for him, well i do ... but with a feeling of sadness also.
Well, it's not a feeling of me still loving him. The love has died down i guess. But looking at him now, with a good career for him, a feeling of maturity in him when he speaks ... i feel kinda sad. Sad at the fact that i lost a guy which seems so nice now. Sad that our relationship didn't work out in the end. oh well ... we have matured throughout the years and led our own life. My regrets of tarnishing my own relationship is the truth. Nothing can be done and there's no turning back. Sad ... but i guess i deserve it.
Just before the meetup, I was still thinking of our past together and my relationship with him. I was still debating whether I really love him or our relationship was sort of puppy love. Seriously speaking, wat i rem most about us together was in school, eating, movies, my waiting or cooping in his house. Are we just companion to each other or are we a couple? Seriously, I thought i knew him very well then ... but i dun ... I trusted and cling onto him but didn't realise trust was taken as advantage and clinging was a burden. And .. I ddin't know him that well afterall ... there were so many things which i didn't know about him and that hurts.
In fact, I use to compare quite often my relationship with Xin and Hellboy together. Was Hellboy really a relationship ? He met my family and we fight often. Very often . We hang out with our friends and both tried to work things out for each other . But back then, i doubt i did that much w Xin. haiz. But .. despite all these ... i wonder why ... i am always softhearted towards Xin. i just do. But neverthless ... luckily ... it is not so bad compare to the past. I doubt i will give in so much now.
Such a long post .. so many thoughts ... so many contridicting thoughts ... well ... a complicated me ... a simple me ... i named myself right .. can be a simple pure angel ... can be a atrocious devil too ... the Angelic Devil in Me ... Now, you guys know why i call myself that ? i was simple ... look likes i scarifice a lot in my relationship .. seems a nice angel ... but ... i tore the relationship apart ... with the devil in me ... the unspoken truth ... the unbelievable acts .. i have myself to blame for what i have for today.
Bottomline ... to be self responsible for all self acts ... not forgetting consequences on irrational actions. There's really no ROOM for ANY regrets.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Confused
been rather moody recently .. i do not know why. been doing meaningless things. been obessed with 阿信 ... been flirting with my idol at work ... been crying due to unfairness at home.
a week of happiness birthday celebration, but now i felt empty inside. am i leading a life of my own? i do not know...
i been obessed with 阿信 ever since the concert. he's just so charming. the kind of guy that i go gaga over ... lol ... simple, funny,boyish, cool, musically inclined, soft spoken, gentle .. well .. i still like the bad-boy style .. but 阿信 really make me go crazy since 26th april 08... =p if only i would have a bf or husband like him ... haha ... i wish ... my birthday wish this year? lol
flirting with my idol at work ... i dun know if this consider ... but been emailing him now and then and i bought him a coke that day secretly becuz of a forward mail that day ... somehow, we started talking on emails. i dun dare to talk to him much when i see him though cuz i blush... i wonder why ... but ... he's married ... haiz .. well ... i know i will control .. but kinda disappointing ... haha .. and today .. in return for the coke i bought him ... he got a surprise for me too ... he left a plastic bag on my table contAining snacks .. haha .. this is going to be a bit too much right .. oh well .. i better constrain myself ... otherwise, i get burnt again ... haha
as for unfairness at home ... my family seems to hate me... haha .. or shld i say .. they dun seems to understand me ... and they neva really felt that i am older now? haa .. it's painful when you dun feel trust from ur own family .. oh well ... it has been like this for long ... and i wonder when will i be out of the cage ....
a week of happiness birthday celebration, but now i felt empty inside. am i leading a life of my own? i do not know...
i been obessed with 阿信 ever since the concert. he's just so charming. the kind of guy that i go gaga over ... lol ... simple, funny,boyish, cool, musically inclined, soft spoken, gentle .. well .. i still like the bad-boy style .. but 阿信 really make me go crazy since 26th april 08... =p if only i would have a bf or husband like him ... haha ... i wish ... my birthday wish this year? lol
flirting with my idol at work ... i dun know if this consider ... but been emailing him now and then and i bought him a coke that day secretly becuz of a forward mail that day ... somehow, we started talking on emails. i dun dare to talk to him much when i see him though cuz i blush... i wonder why ... but ... he's married ... haiz .. well ... i know i will control .. but kinda disappointing ... haha .. and today .. in return for the coke i bought him ... he got a surprise for me too ... he left a plastic bag on my table contAining snacks .. haha .. this is going to be a bit too much right .. oh well .. i better constrain myself ... otherwise, i get burnt again ... haha
as for unfairness at home ... my family seems to hate me... haha .. or shld i say .. they dun seems to understand me ... and they neva really felt that i am older now? haa .. it's painful when you dun feel trust from ur own family .. oh well ... it has been like this for long ... and i wonder when will i be out of the cage ....
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