Confused

just as i thought i might have successfully pushed him out of mind, something crops up and leaves me hopes and thought lingering over him. damn...however, i still think if i do meet someone other than him and can really grow with that person, Xin probably can be pushed out of my mind. haha .. i dun think i am devoted in the sense .. haha .. but seriously, till date .. he holds a place in my heart still.

Messaging him beginning of the year was like something very random. i felt i need to sms him that and i did. however, i didnt continue my msg after his reply. i do not know wat i was seeking after then. Seriously, I dun know wat kind of message I was hoping to receive. I just felt that I needed him to know and I did. With the message, I told myself it was enough and no more stalking over his profile or watsoever. I really controlled well for the next 3 months which included his birthday month. I guess busy at work did me a good job of not stalking him. No FB allowed at work truly helped a lot.

But things happen. Unexpectedly, things happen around same timing. I really do not know why at such. Sometimes, I do feel Fate is playing with me. I secretly viewed his profile on my birthday week and discovered his trip to Europe plus a new car he bought. I cant tell the reasons for the trip or is the car really his. But I believe, he's leading a fruitful life and a real good one for him. It made me ponders quite a bit. The thought made me sad though. If we were still together, perhaps he wont get to go Europe or even get himself a car or a good career. I doubt I am able to motivate him as much as what the girl can do. I doubt he would be so successful now if we were still together. I really think so. And this saddens me. It made me think I am such a lousy partner I can be. I told my friends and said perhaps this ending is best for us and he has make the right choice. I do feel happy for him and sad for myself. hahaha ... sounds so 伟大? isnt it ? hahaha

This is not just the end. After I had that 伟大 thoughts, I told myself I need to move on and just concentrate on work first. Who knows... he messaged me on Whatsapp on FB. It caught me off guard.I didnt expect this. It was few days after my bdae. He didnt wished me at all. It was a simple "hi" and how you have been etc. And I blamed fate for playing a trick on me again cuz the network between us was very laggy. Messages were read and received minutes after sending. It got me very uptight and I kept sending the same messages twice worrying that he did not receive my messages at all. Our conversations stopped after awhile and I was disappointed and sad once again. Despite years after, despite a no-communication between us for years, despite a boyfriend in between this period; he still can make me so uptight. I think I am a fool really. But I would say again, I am not faithful or really so devoted. Perhaps if I get to know a new person, he will be replaced?

After this really short catchup, his friend call me days after. It was not a about him conversation. But it ended up with me confused once again. His friend said it was a waste of us not getting together or having to talk things out with each other. I really think we would not be able to get back. He just keep saying I should give it another shot. He knew I want him back and he said he would try to contact him and talk to him. I am confused about this suggestion. I do not know if I am happy about this. I am a changed person; he's a changed person. I have grown fatter? Not as pretty, not as tolerant etc. And our frequencies could have differ. We still should be together as he deems? I doubt so. The worst of all is he says Xin did mention that he would marry me if we our relationship did not have any hiccups then. Though I know that was a casual thought that Xin had that time; nevertheless I feel that I destroyed everything that was meant to have a good ending? It's me . The next foolish thing that I did so rashly was asking him if he's getting married even before he friend getting back to me. (not sure if his friend would do anything)

till now... I did not receive any reply. I do not know if this is just been selfish of him wanting to have a person so seriously in love with him at his side or he simply dun wish to hurt me. With him, I am always at a loss. Perhaps I just read too much into everything.

is it just so hard to break someone's heart? it is so hard to tell the truth?

I did tell myself to be prepared for the worse. just accept the fact one day he would settle down with someone. But when I posed the question so directly, there's no answer. It is pain again ; and once again i am seeking pain for nothing.

Jaz ... no more 童话 .. pls wake up .. there's no 童话 nor 灰姑娘 ...