Angelic Devil ... Accumulated ... Thoughts ...

It has been donkey years since we last met (quoted by Xin). haa.. did we? The last time we met was September. Yes, my friends. I rem cuz i always have gd memories when it has something got to do with Xin, and I know you all knew it too. He was someone who gave me beautiful memories, sad stories, unforgettable hurt and unforgiveable regrets. Till now, I may have given up myself on him(or the other way round?aniwae, long ago he has gave me up), he is ... still an impact to me whenever we meet up, a chit chat on e phone or even sms. Though throughout the years, the impact's not that great but it is present somewhere and somehow. haha .. Well, in relationship or even after an end of relationship, the one who was once special WOULD definitely has his or her own way of influencing your mood. True? It is very true and dun need to deny, we all know it in our hearts.

Our dinner was a simple one. A very simple but cosy one i guess. We were both unwell and porridge was the best deal i guess. He suggested over at Bukit Timah cuz it was nearer to my place. It was a light dinner and i fulfilled my promise of treating back in ret of the dinner we had at Sunset way then. Today's meetup was pretty normal and I was feeling really ok after everything when he sent me back. Even despite knowing he's staying at his gf's hse, he changed his wallet (e old one was bought by me), his mobile's wallpaper was his gf. I am speaking the truth, no doubt about it. They are happy together and she seems the right girl for him. And i know i should feel happy for him, well i do ... but with a feeling of sadness also.

Well, it's not a feeling of me still loving him. The love has died down i guess. But looking at him now, with a good career for him, a feeling of maturity in him when he speaks ... i feel kinda sad. Sad at the fact that i lost a guy which seems so nice now. Sad that our relationship didn't work out in the end. oh well ... we have matured throughout the years and led our own life. My regrets of tarnishing my own relationship is the truth. Nothing can be done and there's no turning back. Sad ... but i guess i deserve it.

Just before the meetup, I was still thinking of our past together and my relationship with him. I was still debating whether I really love him or our relationship was sort of puppy love. Seriously speaking, wat i rem most about us together was in school, eating, movies, my waiting or cooping in his house. Are we just companion to each other or are we a couple? Seriously, I thought i knew him very well then ... but i dun ... I trusted and cling onto him but didn't realise trust was taken as advantage and clinging was a burden. And .. I ddin't know him that well afterall ... there were so many things which i didn't know about him and that hurts.

In fact, I use to compare quite often my relationship with Xin and Hellboy together. Was Hellboy really a relationship ? He met my family and we fight often. Very often . We hang out with our friends and both tried to work things out for each other . But back then, i doubt i did that much w Xin. haiz. But .. despite all these ... i wonder why ... i am always softhearted towards Xin. i just do. But neverthless ... luckily ... it is not so bad compare to the past. I doubt i will give in so much now.

Such a long post .. so many thoughts ... so many contridicting thoughts ... well ... a complicated me ... a simple me ... i named myself right .. can be a simple pure angel ... can be a atrocious devil too ... the Angelic Devil in Me ... Now, you guys know why i call myself that ? i was simple ... look likes i scarifice a lot in my relationship .. seems a nice angel ... but ... i tore the relationship apart ... with the devil in me ... the unspoken truth ... the unbelievable acts .. i have myself to blame for what i have for today.

Bottomline ... to be self responsible for all self acts ... not forgetting consequences on irrational actions. There's really no ROOM for ANY regrets.